Ever wonder what it’d be like to play baseball
on a different planet? Because this is basically baseball on a different
planet. What with the crazy gravity…and the crazy names. I mean, you wouldn’t expect
Scabies to have that kind of raw power, but that’s the thing. Scabies may not be human.
And this may not be Earth. It’s Ken Griffey, Jr…or is it?…Presents
Major League Baseball, for the Super NES. Could be a hybrid, Scully. So hey, speaking of the nineties, Ken Griffey
Jr. was probably the best baseball player in the nineties. And he was so cool. Every
kid in the nineties wanted to be like Griffey. Dude was so cool. His swing was so pretty,
I thought it was just beautiful…as a friend. Anyway, corporate America made sure to give
us kids lots of Griffey crap to buy, too. Shoes, video games… Actually, that’s all I can remember. Shoes
and video games. Looking back, that’s pretty reasonable. But I’ll tell you what, though. If you’re
expecting reasonable from this game…boy, are you barking up the wrong…alien pod.
I’m telling you, this game’s ridiculous. Everything happens, like…six times faster
than it would on Earth. And it starts with the pitchers. I mean, here on Earth, baseballs
can’t move like that. On Kepler 186-F, maybe. Not on Earth. And I mean, I like arcade baseball
games, so I’d be fine with that. But these extraterrestrial pitchers throw so fast, I
actually had to swing before they even let go of the ball…which is, like, this close
to time-travel baseball. Like, I’m swinging at a pitch that doesn’t
even exist yet. So what all that means is that scoring runs
in is f*cking impossible. Because hitting is impossible. And when you do hit the ball…holy
crap, the other team uses their alien DNA to screw you in all kinds of creative ways.
They can jump nine feet in the air to make catches, that’s awesome. Boy, this is fun.
And I love how my runners don’t know when to run. That makes scoring real easy… Guess they don’t know how to tag up, the
Keplarians. Actually, the AI in this game is awful on
both teams. Your guys just run on pop flies, which is great…and the computer’s even
worse. They’ll hit these lasers into the gap, or into one of the outfield corners…and
they stop at one base. Like, all the time. And it’s not just the batter, it’s also
the runners. Gap shot to the wall? Eh, let’s stop at second, why not? I mean, either they’re still learning how
the rules of baseball, or they’re playing on a whole different level. Like, they’re
so confident, they’re trying to f*ck with me, instead of scoring. And I got news for you. They’re doing one hell of a job. Then again, maybe they’re not running because
they don’t want to test the gravity, on this strange land. Like, look at this. I drive
the ball into the corner, so obviously, I send my runner home. Like, before the right
fielder even picks up the ball. But then…dude unloads this goddamn laser beam…and he throws
me out. And it wasn’t even that close. How are you supposed to score here? Is this whole game just a ruse? A tiny, plastic
ruse? From outer space? Plan 9, this is Plan Griffey. Actually, it would make sense if these were
aliens, ‘cause they all have made-up names. Remember Scabies? Well, check this out. The
New York Mets have apparently signed both Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten to Major League
contracts. Reports indicate they’ve been a big help to the offense, too. At least, that’s what their first baseman
said. You know, Billy Idol. You guys think I’m making this up. I don’t
make up anything I ever say. Look, I’ll say this…this game at least
looks good. Like, the presentation, the sound, that’s perfectly fine. In fact, I really
like the player sprites, especially when they’re at bat. They’re, like…comically jacked,
these guys. Kind of like real baseball players in the nineties. And the mechanics are fine, too. But none
of that really matters, because unless you can manually slow down time with your mind…you’re
not gonna score any runs. And that’s the worst…not scoring is the worst. As a case
study in extraterrestrial physics? This is pretty groundbreaking stuff. But as a playable
game of baseball? I don’t know, man. Those eyes are hiding something. It’s…that…Presents Major League Baseball.
Thank God for automatic fielding, huh? And thanks to Kris from Jersey City, New Jersey,
as well…for sending it to the show. If that is his real name.